


i live in a constant state of fear + misery, do you even miss me anymore?

by pluvieux



Category: Original Work
Genre: Eldritch, Macabre, Monsters, Poetry, prose poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 12:16:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16892445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pluvieux/pseuds/pluvieux
Summary: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ani_6IRV20A& i don't even notice when it hurts anymore





	i live in a constant state of fear + misery, do you even miss me anymore?

AND ALL OF THE POETRY I HAVE WRITTEN IN MY LIFE CAME BACK TO BURY ME. AND WITH MY OPEN MOUTH I SWALLOWED THE MAGGOTS I CHOKED UP EVERY LAST MOTH RESIDING  
IN THIS DISGUSTING HOLE I CALLED THE MYRIAD,

CENSORSHIP IS THE ANTITHESIS OF ART. I'VE JUST STARTED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS CESSPOOL OF DEGENERATES, WHY WOULD YOU TAKE THAT AWAY? WHATEVER. I WANT   
TO BE BOUNDLESS + INFINITE. BIND ME NOT BY MONEY OR GORE. I WANT LOVE. YOU CRAWL IN THROUGH THE MIRROR ON MY DOOR, YOUR BODY DISTORTING + SHIFTING.   
IS THIS WHAT IT MEANS TO BE ELDRITCH, THIS BEAUTY? YOU STAND BEFORE ME, EYES, EYES, EYES. YOUR TONGUE LOLLS OUT + IT ALMOST COMES TO THE FLOOR. YOUR HORNS   
ARE MAGNIFICENT. IS THIS THE RED I HAVE DESIRED IN MY DREAMS? I CAN ALREADY TELL YOU WILL BE GONE WITH THE TWILIGHT. I FEEL THE HANDS OF DEATH, READY, ACHING,  
TO YEET ME INTO UNFATHOMABLE DARKNESS. GROTESQUE SHADOW. AM I SO EASILY PULLED IN BY THE MACABRE? WHAT TYPE OF HUMANITY IS LEFT COILING INSIDE ME? 

WILL HE? DO YOU WISH YOUR MOTHER TO JOIN THE BROTHEL, YOUNG BOY? HE LOOKS AWAY, IN THE DIRECTION OF THE FOREST. A SILVER OF LIGHT STABS THE ROOM + HE FOLLOWS IT TO THE DOOR. MY MIND CAN'T COMPREHEND THIS. FEED ME SOME PROSE, SO MY ANCIENT HEART MAY PROCESS WHAT IS HAPPENING. MY LOVER + I WAKE UP IN UNFAMILIAR PLACES. I WOKE UP TO THE DISTINCT RUMBLING THUNDER. MY BODY WAS BRUISED + BATTERED, + MY INSIDES HURT, SO IT TOOK ME A BIT TO GET UP ONTO MY FEET. EVEN UPON STANDING, I LOSE MY FOOTING, BRUISE MY KNEE EVEN MORE. WHEN I COUGHED, MY HEAD WENT DIZZY + IT FELT LIKE EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO ERUPT FROM MY THROAT. BUT THERE HE WAS. "wake up," i whisper, gently, gently, breathing in deep to get some air into my body. "Wake up," i say, this time louder. he calls my name when i hold his cheeks, 

=====>"THEY LISTEN TO YOU, THE GHOSTS." THE WORDS DRIP FROM HER MOUTH, + MY HEAD HURTS. THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER DRANK. THE SUGAR BAG BREAKS + THE FRESH ORGANS ESCAPE INTO THE WATER. THERE IS NO ACCENT TO HER. JUST LANGUAGE. DAMN THE LOVE + DAMN THE LIES, I WOKE UP, SPEAKING IN TONGUES, MY UNDERGARMENTS MISSING, BUT THE NIGHTSHADE WAS MINE. I HAD TO PREPARE FOR SAMHAIN + SOON THE SOLSTICE. "THEY CAN'T EAT THIS, BUT THE SMELL WILL BECKON. + SO THEY WILL COME. THEY LISTEN, DARLING, AREN'T YOU GOING TO SPEAK?" MY FAMILY'S GLARE HAS FOLLOWED ME HERE. KEPT MY WORDS IN MY THROAT, REFUSED TO LET THEM PASS. "AREN'T YOU A WRITER? AN ARTIST?" SHE HUMMED. "PAY ME IN MORE THAN MONEY, ROSE." 

THE WORDS SLITHER UP FROM THE MYRIAD OF GHOSTS RESIDING IN MY CHEST. IT WAS FOR HER. AND SHE LISTENED TO ME. EVEN AS I CLOSED MY EYES OUT OF PERFORMANCE ANXIETY, I COULDN'T SEE HER, NO, NO, BUT I KNEW SHE WAS LISTENING, JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER GHOSTS. 

>*@ _EPHEMERAL._ I THINK OH MY **GODS** I **WANT** YOU TO TOUCH ME AND FEEL YOUR SKIN AGAINST **MINE** AND I WANT TO BE **FLOODED** WITH YOUR **WARMTH** AND OTHER TIMES IT FEELS LIKE I AM RESTRICTED TO THIS HATRED COILING INSIDE OF ME. THAT'S THE TYPE OF HUMANITY THAT IS LEFT INSIDE OF ME, MOST OF THE TIME. MY INNER VOICE CRIES FOR ME TO GET AWAY. I SET MYSELF UP FOR PAIN SO I WILL FEEL SOMETHING. MAYBE I SHOULD LET MYSELF GHOST FROM DAY TO DAY. I WOULD BE HAPPY THAT WAY, ALL THE TIME, ALL THE TIME. 

I NEVER WAS IN LOVE.

I TRY TO BREATH OUT THE FAINT SMELL OUT OF BLOOD. "THIS WAR ISN'T REAL. CAN'T YOU TELL I'M FROM ANOTHER TIMELINE?" HE SAYS, SMILING AT ME. I STARE AT HIM BLANKLY, PACK MY INSTRUMENTS INTO MY STEEL BOX. "YEAH? WHY ARE YOU HERE?" I ASK, VOID OF INTIMACY. "I'M FIGHTING A WAR. ARE YOU DENSE? AND OF YOU?" 

"I'M A COMBAT MEDIC. I'M HERE TO HEAL, JUST NOT ME, REALLY." IT'S MY PENANCE. I DON'T SAY THAT. "THIS WAR DOESN'T EXIST. THERE'S OTHERS SUFFERING ALL THE SAME." THE WAY HE SPEAKS MAKES MY HEAD HURT. "IT DOES EXIST," I PICK UP THE BULLET I EXTRACTED EARLIER, HOLD IT BETWEEN US. "THIS EXISTS." HE SMILES, BUT NOT AT ME THIS TIME. HE TAKES THE BULLET OFF MY HANDS. "YOU CAME FROM A DIFFERENT TIMELINE TO KILL?" I WANT TO GET UNDER HIS SKIN, MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A MURDERER. HE'S NOT WHO I AIM TO HEAL. I COULDN'T CARE LESS. "YEAH, I FIGURED I WOULD DO IT IN A REALITY THAT ISN'T MINE. NONE OF THIS IS REAL, AT LEAST, TO ME." MY EYEBROWS KNIT + I GUESS I LOOK TOO ANNOYED. "DON'T BE LIKE THAT, PUPPY," 

"WE'RE BOTH FROM THE SAME HOME, AREN'T WE? YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY TO SEE SOMEONE LIKE ME." I'M NOT. HE KNOWS. "EVEN SO, I'LL MISS YOU NOW. AND YOU'LL MISS ME, TOO, I'M SURE. HOW HUMAN ARE YOU, STILL?" 

I DON'T LIKE HOW HE MAKES ME FEEL, ADDRESSING THE MESH THAT HOLDS ALL THE TRUTH TOGETHER. 

"I'D RATHER YOU DIDN'T EXIST." 

....;&!&#_=&/!;÷

i ABANDONED HIM THERE, DISTORTING, PUKING, OOZING, BLOOMING BLOOMING BLOOMING. 

"WAIT HERE, OKAY, MY LOVE?" I SAID. I NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN. NO ONE DID. 

MY HEART BEAT QUICKLY AS I WALKED HOME. I WASN'T AFRAID. I JUST ALREADY KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING. WHEN I GOT HOME, I MADE HOT CHOCOLATE + CURLED UP IN SOME BLANKETS, WATCHED NETFLIX + TALKED TO KINCAID. NO ONE SAW US GO ANYWHERE. NO ONE KNEW WHAT HAPPENED. I PRESSED A PEN TO MY JOURNAL'S IMPORTANT PAGES + WROTE IN A SCRIPT ONLY I COULD READ, SOME PARTS I KNEW THAT IN YEARS' TIME I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO. DECEMBER 22ND, 2016. DEAR DIARY, I CHOKED, 03:56. LET MYSELF SINK INTO THE JUVENILE APPEAL THAT TOOK OVER ME. 

NO ONE EVER FOUND THE BODY. AS TOP FRAGGER, I CAN'T EVEN REALLY SAY THAT THERE WAS A TANGIBLE MURDER WEAPON. 

"WAIT HERE, OKAY, MY LOVE?"

I ASK OF MY JOURNAL TO HIGHLIGHT CANON IN D MAJOR. I WANT TO REALIZE WHAT IT IS THAT IS SO SICK WITHIN ME. I AM FUCKED OFF. THE HIGH OF KNOWING THAT I HAD DONE SOMETHING TO CHANGE THE WORLD, EVEN IF IN THE GRAND SCALE OF THINGS, IT MEANT LITTLE. WHAT IS THIS WOUND IF NOT GUILT, COULD I REGRET SUCH POWER? DIGGING A NAIL INTO IT, OPENING IT, I PUT MYSELF IN HARM'S WAY TO REMIND MYSELF I AM ALIVE STILL. IT MAKES ME SMILE AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR. I LAUGH, THE WORDS SLIP OUT. "WAIT HERE, OKAY, MY LOVE?" AND MY FACE FREEZES I FEEL LIKE I CAN FALL INTO THE MIRROR I FEEL LIKE A FELLBEAST IS GOING TO WRAP ITS TALONS AROUND ME + PULL ME INTO THE TWILIGHT REALM 

TWO YEARS LATER, I RETURN TO THE WOODS. THE SKY PALED + TONIGHT I COULD NOT FIND A SUNSET. I RETURN TO THE SAME SPOT. "WAIT HERE, OKAY, MY LOVE?" THERE WAS NO ONE AT THE SPOT WHERE I ABANDONED HIM. MY VOCAL RANGE QUIVERED + DANCED ALONG THE WORDS. I REPEATED THEM OVER + OVER TO THE RRHYTMN OF THE FLASHLIGHT SWITCH UNTIL IT WAS TOO COLD, UNTIL MY FINGERS STUNG WHEN I PUSHED DOWN ON THE SWITCH. I LEFT IT DARK. I SANK TO MY KNEES, ALONE, ALONE, ALONE. DID I WANT TO BE ALONE? I SCREAMED OUT THE NAME ONLY I KNOW. 

///.,

"I AM REFUSE." MY HEAD HURTS. "I WAS NEVER REALLY ADOPTED, JUST MOVED FROM HERE TO THERE TO THERE TO HERE. LIKE BAGGAGE TAKEN FROM ONE PERSON + PINNED ONTO ANOTHER." I NEED A CIGARETTE. YOU SHOULD GO. THIS IS NO PLACE FIT FOR A KID LIKE YOU, OR ONE THAT WAS LIKE ME EITHER. IT'S NO PLACE. I HAVE EXERTED EVERYTHING FROM MYSELF, POURED IT INTO YOU. I FLIT BETWEEN MALIDAPTIVE / + REALITY, BATTLE THE INTRUSIVE, BATTLE THE CONSTANTS. I SAW YOU IN MY DREAMS, MY LOVE, SPEAKING IN TONGUES I UNDERSTOOD. I LEAVE MY ROOM UNCLEANED, CRAWL UNDERNEATH MY BED INSTEAD. THE WORLD SNAPS INTO PLACE INSIDE OF ME, MY BED DE-MATERIALISING ATOM BY ATOM BY ATOM + EVERYTHING AROUND ME DIES OUT. I AM IN THE WOODS. I AM IN THE WOODS. 

YOU'RE STILL THERE, WAITING. YOU HIT MY CHEST OVER + OVER, SNOT-FILLED SOBBING, YOU'RE DISGUSTING, UGLY, + I LOVE YOU. THE MEMORIES, LIKE A FINISHED DREAM, DISAPPEAR. "WAIT HERE, OKAY, MY 

the words are familiar  
i felt them before i heard them  
my eyes focus  
\+ i see a pair of feet leaving my room 

BLOOD, PUS, + ROTTING TISSUE  
THE MUSIC IS PLAYING BACKWARDS, SLIDING FROM EAR TO EAR. MY HEAD IS LOLLING, I AM LEAVING,   
THE UNDEAD LEFT ME AS CHEWED GORE.   
I CRY OUT THE NAME ONLY I KNOW.

**Author's Note:**

> ("searching for the weekend love  
> searching where the leaves don't fall  
> when the land is widow (oh)  
> fall to the ground")


End file.
